Awake...

...at an ungodly hour for the umpteenth time this week. My sleeping patterns are shot to hell no doubt about it. They have been for a while really. I get out of bed at 7 in the morning for class, putter around in a half-daze til noon, loose conciousness around an hour later and wake up in time for my roommate's evening pre-slumber ritual. I've been feeling a bit lonelier than usual lately, but then again thats probably to be expected from someone who wakes up in time to say goodnight to the rest of the world.

But it's more than that.

A lot of my friends are making preparations to leave. Several of my good friends are running around trying to get their papers for the Junior Term Abroad, one is leaving for Canada with his family, another just graduated this year, one's going to the States to pursue evolutionary psych, and yet another is heading back to study in Cebu. Permanent or otherwise, is it really childish of me to confess that I feel like I'm being abandoned with so many of my friends leaving? Probably.
I've never been good at goodbyes. I don't like having to be the one to end conversations, hang up the phone or walk away from a friend after a night out together. At partings I use expressions like "take care" and "ingat" "see you" or "good night" when applicable. "Drive safely" became a standard once I started getting dropped off at the dorm by college friends with cars. Contractions like "bye" and "buhbye" are easier to say too. Nothing so final or formal as a goodbye.
goodbyes always give me this peculiar feeling. The image that comes to mind is of the tiny, almost imperceptible pop of a disconnect as a suction cup is being pulled off of a glass pane. A miniscule internal bubble bursting and releasing a propportionate sense of loss. I wonder how big these bubbles will be. I wonder what it will feel like to say goodbye to friends I won't see for half a year, knowing that when they get back they'll probably be different. . .I wonder what a real, honest to goodness I'm-never-going-to-see-you-again goodbye is going to feel like. I wonder what I'm going to feel then.. when I already feel so alone now.

Or maybe the lack of sleep is just screwing around with my hormones, and making me all morose and moody. That at least I can do something about. So I close my eyes, curl up in my ridiculously plush bed with Francis the Frog tucked safely in the crook of my arm, and hope that things will seem better in the morning.








...or afternoon, depending on when I wake up.